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Things Not to Put in Your Body: McDonald's Holiday Pie [Dec. 15th, 2009|03:48 am]
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[mood |awakeshould be asleep]
[music |Barenaked Ladies - Some Fantastic]

Here’s an easy mistake to avoid: buying any type of pie from a fast food chain.

I never learn from mistakes, however. And when I see advertisements for something as vague and awful sounding as McDonald’s “Holiday Pie” I just can’t help myself.

Now, the first thing to know when purchasing pie from McDonald’s is that you’ll be getting two. Oh, you might think you only want one (and that certainly is still one too many), but it doesn’t matter. The price of one pie is
99¢ and the price of two is $1, so already they’ve set it up for you to feel as though you are practically throwing money away by not getting two of their horrible pies. Even if you manage to show enough willpower to avoid the double-pie-pitfall and order an unheard of single Holiday Pie (as I attempted to do) it is apparently McDonald’s policy to ignore that request and give you two pies anyway. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’ve always considered myself the type of person who avoids arguments with strangers on the other end of a drive through speaker over a one-cent pie. Like I said earlier, you’re getting two pies. Don't struggle, don’t try to fight it, just go limp and accept your pies.


Do you accept these two pies into your life as your Lord and Savior?

The second, and most important, thing to remember is that under no circumstances should you attempt to eat, handle, or even look at your pie without letting it cool down first. For some it takes second-degree burns and a trip to Urgent Care to learn this lesson – you shouldn’t have to be one of them. If you can imagine a small portion of the Earth’s molten outer core is extracted and encased in a cheap, saccharine piecrust, then given to young children as a hand-held dessert treat, you’ll begin to have some idea of the danger these pies pose. So unless you want all your meals for the next week tasting like the raw, blistered, throbbing roof of your mouth, it’s best to wait a solid fifteen minutes before even considering taking a bite of one of these pies.

Holiday shy pie


A final point worth noting is to keep your expectations low (like, really low). You’re not going to like this pie, let’s get that straight right here. If you were hoping for a satisfying end to a meal or a memorable seasonal treat, you’re going to be disappointed. But just how inedible McDonald’s Holiday Pies really are is, I suppose, debatable. Personally, when trying ultra-processed junk food like this, I find it helps to adjust my standards of what constitutes actual ”food.” I fully expect most of what I’m trying to end up in the garbage can, and honestly anything short of biting into a pie and having tiny spiders pour out, causing me to scream and run my car off the road, is considered a successful experience. I’ve tried something new, my curiosity is sated, and now I can cross it off the list and never revisit it.

Aww, HELL no.

So, with that in mind, let me relate how predictably terrible a McDonald’s Holiday Pie is. For starters it looks like a sugary pastry tube covered with sprinkles and filled with scrambled eggs (I could go into the confusing choice of rainbow sprinkles to represent the holidays, but that’s really the least of this pie’s shortcomings, so I’ll leave it be). I can only assume from the filling that it’s supposed to be some version of a custard pie, but what it ends up tasting like is a mushy sugar cookie wrapped around a liquefied, gelatinous sugar cookie, with a flavor like if someone made an entire pie out of white cake frosting. After the first bite it’s pretty clear why McDonald’s only values them at 50¢ apiece. The sad thing is, as far as terrible Hot Pocket-shaped snack foods go, this doesn’t come anywhere close to the worst thing I’ve tried.

Of course, there must be some people out there who do enjoy McDonald’s Holiday Pies they wouldn’t make them unless there was at least some demand. It’s to those few people I express my deepest sympathy. I’m sorry, fictional reader of this journal entry, for whatever has led you to this pitiable point in your life. I wish things could have gone differently for you. But, please, if you have children, do not feed them McDonald’s Holiday Pies. You have the power to break the chain of fast food pie enjoyment. Let this sad, diabetes-inducing tradition die with you.

Do it for the children.

linkReply

Comments:
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From: (Anonymous)
2009-12-15 08:24 pm (UTC)

Hilarious!

(Link)

I found your LiveJournal when searching "McDonald's Holiday Pie." I was trying to find the nutrition content of it (yeah, I know, there's no nutrition in such a product). Your last paragraph was written directly to me, I think. Every December I look forward to holiday custard pies, and already this year I've probably eaten at least 10 of them. There's no talking me down from the ledge. Still, I must say that you've provided a pretty accurate description of them in this entry.

Also, I wanted to say that your journal entries are hilarious. Dark and sarcastic, they caused me to laugh out loud (not an easy feat for the written word). So, thank you for making my day!
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-17 03:53 am (UTC)

Re: Hilarious!

(Link)

Thanks, anonymous blog reader. You seem like good people. I will not hold your enjoyment of holiday pies against you.
Re: Hilarious! - (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Hilarious! - (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Hilarious! - (Anonymous) Expand
From: (Anonymous)
2009-12-22 04:21 pm (UTC)

I just found out about these pies...I am now an addict.

(Link)

I am a college graduate and I think these pies are the best.

I feel awful when I eat them. I feel awful afterward too.
It's the taste.

ugh.

This journal entry amuses me to no end!
Thank you!
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-23 05:01 am (UTC)

Re: I just found out about these pies...I am now an addict.

(Link)

"The best," huh?
Well, who am I to argue with a college graduate?
From: (Anonymous)
2009-12-30 12:18 am (UTC)

where can I get one of these pies!?

(Link)

I am located in New York City and I want one those pies in my belly! Please guide me!
From: (Anonymous)
2009-12-30 12:19 am (UTC)

Re: where can I get one of these pies!?

(Link)

Forgot to mention that I've called a dozen local ones already and they only have the standard apple pie.
[User Picture]From: devildoll
2009-12-30 02:00 am (UTC)

(Link)

If you can imagine a small portion of the Earth’s molten outer core is extracted and encased in a cheap, saccharine piecrust, then given to young children as a hand-held dessert treat, you’ll begin to have some idea of the danger these pies pose.

So. True.

When I was a child I would have knifed my brother for a chance to have a McDonald's pie, and I do remember that when I finally got my hands on an apple one (uh, without knifing anyone, FYI), it was a painful experience. And it didn't actually have any apple chunks in it, just apple-scented goo.

(Here via Serious Eats.)
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-30 03:35 am (UTC)

(Link)

I think a lot of us learned some of our first lessons in patience via McDonald's hot apple pies.

My favorite part was that although the filling was, as you put it, "just apple-scented goo," there was still only enough of it to fill the pie halfway, leaving a flaky pocket of steam above. So you'd end up feeling both scalded and a little ripped-off.
[User Picture]From: thekitchenidiot
2009-12-30 03:13 am (UTC)

(Link)

I have to ask now--what is the worse thing you've ever eaten?
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-30 04:03 am (UTC)

It's actually kind of similar...

(Link)

Hands down, the worst thing I ever tried was an Eggnog Pie I found at a truck stop convenience store.

Nothing makes you appreciate how good you had it eating Holiday Pie like one of these. It's essentially the same thing, only weeks old; room temperature; soggy all the way through; and filled with a runny, eggnog-flavored Boston cream.

Even as far as food you can buy at a gas station goes, it was bad.
[User Picture]From: to
2009-12-30 04:53 am (UTC)

(Link)

I love the holiday pies. Also I agree with the creepy weirdo anon. You're cute. And funny.
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-30 05:36 am (UTC)

(Link)

Finally, the consensus I was looking for.
From: (Anonymous)
2009-12-30 05:17 am (UTC)

Regarding pies, and the not finding of.

(Link)

Perhaps this is tangential, or at least parallel: not only can I not find these things in my area (Portland, OR) but I haven't been able to locate any of the cherry ones in over a year. It seemed at first that it was perhaps up to the individual store managers- some had them, but most didn't. Then, I couldn't find them anywhere in town. I have no clue if any still sell them, but I wish at least one of my local stores had cherry and/or holiday. Also apparently there is pumpkin, around the time of Thanksgiving or so?
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-30 06:00 am (UTC)

Re: Regarding pies, and the not finding of.

(Link)

Yeah, they just stopped serving the pumpkin ones last month where I live. Cherry could also be seasonal, as I only remember seeing them around Spring (or possibly late winter -- they may or may not time the appearance to coincide with Valentines day).

I used to live in Oregon, but the extent of my fast food experimentation there was sampling a McRib (the once was enough). Never got around to completing my Portland seasonal turnover pinboard map.
[User Picture]From: hokuto
2009-12-30 05:44 am (UTC)

(Link)

I did not know such a thing existed until I accidentally stumbled upon this entry. I am now both simultaneously intrigued and disturbed.

What was the use through date btw? I'm wondering if this thing ha s shelf life that might beat the twinkie.
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-30 06:49 am (UTC)

(Link)

Were you referring to the Holiday pie or the Eggnog Pie Pie-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named?

The Holiday Pies are fried -- then left to sit under a heat lamp -- for you the day they're served. That leads me to believe they're relatively perishable, at least compared to other heavily processed snack foods. And, as with all McDonald's pies, they're served in the signature cardboard-box-with-air-holes pie containment unit. So, y'know, Twinkies have got them beat all around as far as shelf life goes.

The aforementioned Eggnog Pies are packaged like any other shelf-stable baked good (and, it bears repeating, are SIMPLY TERRIBLE). I probably would have done myself a service by checking the good-through date on it, but did not. Honestly, I doubt it would have affected the overall taste and appearance much if it had spoiled.
More info... - (Anonymous) Expand
(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand
From: (Anonymous)
2009-12-31 07:39 am (UTC)

OMG

(Link)

I originally saw this pie on thisiswhyyourefat.com and became immediately intrigued. I haven't eaten anything sugar-laden in over a month, so seeing this sugary hunk of crap really got me salivating. I decided I wanted to learn more about it, and I found this blog. You describe it in such a perfect way...but somehow it does not deter me!

And how the Hell do all these broads know what you look like? I wanted to see for myself, but couldn't seem to find your face anywhere.
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2009-12-31 08:13 am (UTC)

Re: OMG

(Link)

I saw that thisiswhyyourefat.com submission as well. Apparently yesterday was the official day for the internet to "discover" these pies.

Regarding comments on what I look like, I think people are scrolling further down in my actual LiveJournal where there are a couple pictures. For the record, I am not especially cute. I chalk it up to the bar for people who sit alone documenting their consumption of fast food being set incredibly low.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-01-01 12:56 am (UTC)

Pie Box

(Link)

I hate to admit it, but I just ate one of these at lunch today. The pie was not good, but the thing that disturbed me even more was the picture on the pie box. I can't tell if that man is happy or horrified and it makes me wonder what the girl on the box is up to. My husband's theory is that she is a vampire. It makes just as much sense as anything else, I guess.
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-01-01 07:57 am (UTC)

Re: Pie Box

(Link)

Nothing says you’re lovin’ it like demonstrable antipathy to your partner’s affection.
From: kyrios_john
2010-01-01 06:54 am (UTC)

(Link)

Hey, I was just wondering, are you single? (you're really cute)
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-01-01 02:49 pm (UTC)

This is no longer a comment thread about pie.

(Link)

Not About Pie

This is now a comment thread about relationship status.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-01-01 11:44 pm (UTC)

Single?

(Link)

Hi! Your blog post was super-long, and I don't have time to read it right now, but I noticed your picture from a while ago in the archives. And you're soooo cute. Are you single/looking?
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-01-02 12:34 am (UTC)

Re: Single?

(Link)

Forgot the TL;DR: I'm Single at the end of my entry.

Sorry.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-01-05 05:08 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I think I have already decided that, given that I a) don't baptize my future children in a chocolate fondue fountain or b) even survive long enough to bear spawn, I'm going to take them to some remote, remote corner of the globe, such as Iceland, where there is no McDonald's to be found. And then I'll probably grow them up on a strict diet of macaroni watermelon and strawberry ice cream anyway. But I can say I tried.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-01-05 06:40 pm (UTC)

Wow

(Link)

Some people go way off-topic.

Stay cute!
From: (Anonymous)
2010-01-06 12:30 am (UTC)

?

(Link)

I really would like to know...what is with the little yellow blotch on the right side of these Holiday Pies?
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-01-06 02:23 am (UTC)

Re: ?

(Link)

I believe it's filling that leaked out from one of the three score mark indentations on the top of the pie (the kind you normally put in home-made pies to vent steam). Filling oozes out, hits the hot oil, and cooks until it darkens in color and crusts over.

It's a pie scab, basically.
[User Picture]From: tashiri_410
2010-01-06 07:15 am (UTC)

(Link)

why does everyone keep asking if you're cute?

anyway, saw the pie on thisiswhyyourefat, Googled (I live in Malaysia, we don't get this shizz. We do, however, get prawn and fish on our 'za) and found this. added you. add me back and i will not need to seek validation for the next two weeks.
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-01-06 11:10 pm (UTC)

(Link)

VALIDATED.
From: somnioamo
2010-01-06 07:56 am (UTC)

Re: OMG

(Link)

I'm the one who responded earlier with the "OMG" subject.

I found the Holiday Pie...at the Detroit airport! I couldn't believe it! I still have not worked up the guts to try it, though. Perhaps tomorrow.

And to the anonymous poster that says he will move to Iceland to shelter his children from food like this...think again. There is KFC everywhere in Iceland (or Kentucky Fried Puffin, as my co-workers and I called it).
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-01-06 11:31 pm (UTC)

Re: OMG

(Link)

Please tell me you don't mean you bought pie at the airport and are saving it to eat later.

And, yeah, I'm not sure why that commenter chose Iceland as their "remote corner of the globe." Iceland's going to have some terrible fast food, just like every other place in the world; it's just going to be cooked with geothermal steam.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-11-20 03:09 am (UTC)

you fucking dumbass

(Link)

It is pathetic when people like you spend like2 days dissing gods greatest creation, aka McDonald's holiday pie. You are such a loser
From: (Anonymous)
2010-11-20 03:12 am (UTC)

Re: you fucking dumbass

(Link)

Your probably a lonely person
From: (Anonymous)
2010-11-30 07:47 am (UTC)

(Link)

You're an asshole. The McDonald's Holiday Pie is the most delicious thing on their menu. And this is coming from someone with a healthy BMI. Lighten up and shop at Whole Foods where everything is UM-MAY-ZING.

xo
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-12-04 09:48 pm (UTC)

(Link)

You're right about my being an asshole, at least.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-12-03 03:39 am (UTC)

Is there a cure?

(Link)

I have a friend who recently lost the fight against McDonald's holiday pies. Sadly, she is now an addict and eats them daily. I was unfamiliar with holiday pies and set out to find more information when I came across this blog. To those who have been to the Dark Side, is there a cure?
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2010-12-04 09:31 pm (UTC)

Re: Is there a cure?

(Link)

I can't decide if a better cure for Holiday Pie addiction would be a healthy serving of vegetables or having some actual quality pie. That, or shaking the person. To just shake, and shake, and shake them.

But, yeah—one of those should work.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-12-09 05:05 am (UTC)

(Link)

I saw the advertisement for holiday pie when I was getting breakfast at McD yesterday. I attempted to order one but the worker told me they're out until tomorrow (which is today). Making my daily breakfast run, I attempted again to order this pie...apparently they'd already sold out...at 10AM. Guess they're in high demand here in KY.

Have to admit that I feel myself getting more desperate by the day. The curiosity is going to kill me. lol.

PS - Love reading your posts. You should definitely write about the God awful McRibs. I mean, they don't even look enticing on the billboard...much less in person. THAT'S some bad food.
From: (Anonymous)
2010-12-09 08:41 pm (UTC)

Holiday pies

(Link)

Holiday pies are one of the most delicious treats ever!! I drove 5 towns over just to find a McD's that had them. YUM!!!!
[User Picture]From: kaceyjane
2010-12-15 03:11 am (UTC)

(Link)

I still don't understand why people eat mccdonalds.
From: (Anonymous)
2011-11-22 10:16 pm (UTC)

(Link)

Probably because most people are stupid.
[User Picture]From: t_o_n_k_s
2011-05-05 02:05 pm (UTC)

(Link)

People sure feel strongly about your opinions on fast food pies.
[User Picture]From: mrinconspicuous
2011-05-06 06:16 am (UTC)

(Link)

For, like, two days they did, yeah. Internet's weird.

Hey, do you still have the same cell-pone number? Because I'm pretty sure I texted some stranger about wanting to "look at" their baby the other day.




Incidentally, lemme look at your baby.
From: (Anonymous)
2011-11-18 03:30 am (UTC)

(Link)

I love Mc Donald's apple pies, but I like them cold and next day with breakfast so no worries about the burning my mouth part. I have a holiday pie in the fridge waiting to try and it smells good so I hope it's good. I ordered 2 apple pies, but they only had one ready and so they asked if I wanted to try the new one. I suppose you think pan dulces are gross and people shouldn't eat them either?
From: (Anonymous)
2011-11-22 01:02 pm (UTC)

mcdonalds holiday pies

(Link)

I tried the pie....I didn't die....it was different....much better than the pumpkin...anyway....if ya dnt like it......give it to Mikey!......have a great day!
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